At age 5, I was sexually abused by my teenaged cousin. I remember getting punished by my mother for simply being out in the field where it happened. The trauma of that incident caused a loss of memory for most of my childhood.

At age thirteen, my drunken uncle crawled into bed with me and violated my body. I was terrified. I endured the attack, in shock. The next morning when I told my mother, she punished ME for lying about the event.

What I learned from those two violations, was that I should keep my mouth shut for fear of somehow getting punished; that it is a bad thing to say anything about being used by another.

At age 17, while I was in nursing school, I was taken to a motel by the intern I was dating. He threatened to abandon me if I did not go with him. Naively, I gave in. All I could do was cry and say "No, please stop!" the whole time he raped me. I felt dirty. I felt used. I felt ashamed. I felt guilty. And unhealthy as it was, I kept that secret to myself for 25 years!

In an attempt to flee from an abusive mother, I married at age 19. Only three months into the marriage my husband struck me across the face. I felt trapped, especially because we lived overseas in a foreign country. I was alone with a situation I just had to live with because I knew no one to turn to for help. After every time he hurt me he would say, "I will never do that to you again". But it continued for 23 years. There were no shelters, no support groups, no one to hear my cries for help. I dedicated myself to raising my two children and eventually started a home business as a step towards creating some financial independence. I was in psychological therapy for ten plus years, in order to learn how to live with the abuse. Once I felt somewhat prepared, I left the marriage.

About four years later, I married someone who was the antithesis of my former husband. I finally felt safe. I felt secure that he would treat me with respect. And with feeling like I had a "safe place to fall", my emotional problems grew worse. While I didn’t know it at the time, having a ‘safe place to fall’ allowed me to reach the depths of my grief over the dark side of my past; depths that included thoughts of suicide and checking myself into a mental health facility for a week. I had reached rock bottom. I don’t think I would have risen, if it were not for the support of my husband and my children.

With much effort, I was fortunate to find a Sexual Assault Center that offered free counseling and support groups. Here, I learned that all the counseling I had in the past had done nothing more than allow me to cope. Now I was ready to heal the pain instead of burying and hiding it. I learned I was NOT at FAULT for those experiences of sexual, verbal and physical abuse. The abuse lies at the hands of the perpetrators! Not me!!

After some healing and much hard work on myself, I started co-facilitating groups and volunteering for abused woman. I was honored to be able to speak about my abuse on the steps of Georgia’s capital and to complete the transition from victim to role-model, survivor and teacher. By giving back to others, I experience continual healing and a growth in self-confidence.

Having experienced that journey myself, I wish the same transformation and justice for every abused person everywhere. I hope that you will join my attempt to END abuse in ALL its forms… Emotional, verbal, physical and sexual!

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