When I was born, I was ‘supposed’ to be a boy child because that’s what my father wanted. He already had a female child. At age 11, before my parents divorced, I would watch from a window as my father and sister would drive off to ‘God knows where’. I was always too young, too small, too lazy, etc., to have the privilege of being with him. He never attended a ball game, never went to my school, or played with me as a child. The feelings of rejection and abandonment, lasted the entire time he lived with us as a family. I remember when my mother sat me down to tell me about the divorce. I cried for three days. My father left without a word to me. I felt lost, confused, hurt, unworthy, angry and insignificant.

My father’s non-involvement led him to give me up for adoption to my mother’s new husband. Now I was back to having a ‘family’again. Thinking back, it seems I tried to fill the rejection of my biological father by turning my devotion to my new Dad.

Once I became a young adult, I tried to pull up some semblance of a relationship with my biological father. That was short lived. For many years, he would use me and my home to have a place to stay overnight on his way for vacations. On one of his stays with me, I asked him nicely not to smoke in my new home. I told him he could smoke on our deck. When he ignored my request and lit a cigarette, I asked him again and included the word ‘please’. He was insulted, left my home and I never heard from him again. Yet another rejection that lasted until he died.

I tried to cling to my adoptive father, but suffered another rejection from him when he divorced my mother. It felt like he divorced me also. Even so, I reached out to him consistently through the years with no response. Was I not worthy enough to have a father? A family? What would it take to keep a man in my life? My unhealthy focus was on what I lacked in relationships so I jumped into a marriage. When it became physically abusive, it felt like I was rejected again. Were all the men in my life going to treat me like something they could just throw away?

In not knowing how to cope with all the negative feelings, my life was riddled with times of depression. In error, I began searching for a man that would not reject me, only to discover that I had become nothing more than a ‘play thing’.

Giving up on having a positive relationship with any man, I struck out on my own for several years. Ultimately, the man I was not looking for came into my life. Even so, the feelings of abandonment and emptiness have not gone away, and I am not sure they ever will. For instance, my fear of rejection leads me to over react to situations and confrontations with others. Fear has manifested itself into my body through many medical issues. However, with reading many books, attending and co-facilitating crisis support groups, learning new healthy coping skills and sharing my life with someone who shows me constantly that he will not abandon me, I am in a much better place emotionally.

For anyone who is reading this… you have taken a huge first step in taking better care of yourself and that is a powerful thing! Please be patient with yourself because true healing takes time and positive effort. If you really intend to fill the black hole of abandonment, you will need to resolve that NOW is the time and put much of your energy into the process of healing. From my view, you are worthy of it!

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